By: Helene
One of the most observed problems with the vampire community is rudeness toward one another. Rudeness has many forms and faces which include gossip, arrogance, shunning, nonconsensual dominance, slander and the list goes on. This blatant disregard for other community members by community leaders empowers some to feel angry or hurt wanting justice and retribution which is a danger to the entire community. The desire to be taken seriously by the general population is skewed by these community types who feel superior and create drama which does not lend credibility to the vampire community. All the while these same people are running houses and groups which conflict with their own established core values creating confusion which leads to incivility between people and groups. Why in a community like ours, whose members strive for a mature outlook concerning tolerance, should feud with such violence and rudeness, remains an unknown.
We see behavior among our own members that we would never tolerate from the general population. We have seen “leaders" whose mission appears to be the personal demolition of others whose contributions to the community might challenge their own. We have also seen good people leave the community completely because of unjustified meanness and arrogance by other community members. The vampire community has made great strides to create, document and publish educational materials to help unite and continue the progression of our culture and safe feeding practices. Many good houses and groups have closed and it is not due to legal actions or an uprising among the norm of society, but as victims of the on going power struggles and the need to “be right”. This arrogance is very hurtful personally and defeats the purpose of unity in the vampire community as a whole. The wounds inflicted by incivility among our kind exceed any kind of real world conflicts and prove to those who wish to discredit us that our community has no validity.
Now you may read this and think it is all the new comers to the community and the role players that generate this feeling but this is not so. We have experienced leaders practicing incivility at an alarming rate which is only perpetuated by new comers. Why? Because they try and mimic this atrocious behavior thinking it is appropriate but the opposite is true and people get hurt in the process. Vampires within well known and long time established houses are often the most judgmental and eager to spread gossip especially when they think others in the community are in competition for their higher ranking position. What happens is the novice joins a group or house, becomes well educated, leaves the group to establish another, all the while bashing the house or group that educated and cared for them. This is just plain rude, tactless and uncivil. It is not healthy for the individual or the community they represent.
The first step to recognizing incivility is to identify the warning signs. When first approaching a group and there is an immediate unwelcoming feeling of nothingness and lack empathy this can create a feeling of unworthiness and even resentment eventually will leading to conflict. This is where the heart of drama begins. Another recognizable form of incivility is malicious gossip. There are levels of gossip that are harmless and other forms that are very destructive. When just catching up on the latest group or house activities with the intention to inform and educate is a great example of harmless gossip. But to intentionally and maliciously tear a part another persons values with the aim of embarrassment or humiliation is the type of gossip that ends friendships and closes otherwise good houses. The aftermath of such events then reflects back on the community as a whole negating any and all positive attributes the group or house might had accomplished.
Clique’s or a circle of friends is great and can really help build a strong group but not when they band together to keep others out, this is another widely used tactic that creates incivility. These exclusions create drama, hurt feelings and often times retribution which could manifest a situation where people get hurt physically. These types of situations also reflect back on the community as a whole and the validity of what we believe. We have enough sabotage without sabotaging our own members leading me to discuss another form of incivility called shunning. Shunning is another tactic used by those who are “in” to let others know they are “out”. This “hot and cold” tactic breeds division and creates cracks in the foundation so many leaders in the community have tried to keep solid.
The last warning sign to watch for and the most important to me is nonconsensual mentoring. Choose carefully who you want to mentor or be mentored by because it may not be in the name of education. A leader or even regular group members may seem over protective concerning a new member. This overbearing mentor is all about looking good to others and not considering the welfare of the person being mentored. The goal here is to look good to other leaders to gain respect but often times the person being mentor catches on and resentment leads to bad feelings between members and can lead to conflict and drama. The second problem with mentoring is many times you only are presented one perspective which could continue the cycle of incivility. A true mentor will have you talk with others and work in groups to attain a global perspective on the subject or educational area of focus. Make sure to validate the mentor’s credibility by confirming with others that you are being given correct and safe information. If a mentor limits information to you or asks you to not talk to others, then follow your guts and do not blindly succumb without getting a “second opinion”. Incivility typically occurs between mentors who are not inline with the core values of the group creating division and conflict.
A failure to separate role from reality can lead to yelling matches, malicious e-mail, idol or not so idol threats among groups and community members. A good rule of thumb is to ask your self, “Could I get away with this behavior at work or school?” The vampire community has so many different types of people including science fiction fans, mystic’s, Pagans, Otherkin, Goths and role players that incivility really should be kept to a minimum and has no place in this diverse community that is coming into its own. This is why nit picking a groups faults or beliefs can also create incivility, unrest and general bad feelings which works against the unity that is so desired. The vampire community is very small with many members who have not openly expressed their vampirism to the general population which creates additional stress on groups and community members. This stress can leak out in behavior that might be considered uncivil and must be quelled before incivility breaks out. A group, house or coven then must take a stand on how the privacy of each member is approached and respected. A breech in this privacy could endanger the person and create a serious situation for them outside the vampiric community. Both new members and established leaders fall victim to rudeness and gossip which creates a lightning chain of events that can bring down even the most beloved community member. No one is safe from incivility.
What can be done to change incivility is not simple, but it does start with you and recognizing the warning signs. Could it be you displaying the above behaviors? Do you know some one like this whom you could help to change? If you are avoiding the above situations there is hope that others will see your example and follow suit. To practice what you preach helps keep you at the standards you expect from others. The old “Do as I say and not as I do” does not make sense in any scene and should not be given as advice by anyone. Unfortunately, we must also accept that there are and will always be rude people who refuse to see the error of there ways and the damage it causes. Avoiding drama, resisting the spread of malicious gossip, modeling appropriate behavior are just a few small things we each can do to reduce incivility in our community. We must extend civility, decency, care and concern beyond our personal circle to members to the community at large. This does not mean you have to compromise your values but make an effort to suppress rudeness and replace it with compassion and understanding. If incivility can be minimized, I think one day we could finally feel like we are a united community.